if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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