not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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