all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
