her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
