you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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