who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you didnt know i had herpes?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
