Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My liver just broke up with me...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
