whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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