im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
