I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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