I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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