Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
