Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
