my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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