There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
