did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
