I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
