ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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