i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
