You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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