It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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