Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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