If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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