I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
