oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
