I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
did i just pee glitter
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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