Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My vagina is officially offended.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
