i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
