I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
