he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
