All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
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Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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