I accidentally burped into my bong.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
