You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
