I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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