I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
