Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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