I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize