He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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