i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
