let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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