Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.