I wish my penis had an off switch
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List