Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
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I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.