I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
