that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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