It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
