Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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