I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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