watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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