I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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