Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
