I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
