i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
