Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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