at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
