Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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