Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
