drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
