youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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