mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
tell me about the fingering
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