Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
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He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
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Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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