I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
