I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
