seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
