My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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